Hi8 Guerrilla Girl

Production Diary 1.0

It’s hard to believe I’m making another movie.

The first thing I should say is Thank You, seriously like oh my god I am so grateful to You for granting me the opportunity to continue filming this movie. When I started the process of making this film I never imagined anyone having a desire to watch it outside of the people involved. When I begin work on a story it comes from a need to satisfy myself, a sort of masochistic self-flagellation-masturbation in which the primary aim is to make a movie that I want to watch. I’ve seen too many movies, I’ve made too many movies, I’m hard to please. Filmmaking in general is a horribly lonely and miserable ordeal for me, so Thank You. Now I’m forced to finish this exercise in self-harm with the pressure that You are actually going to watch it (perhaps if I make it long enough You will value your time and not watch me embarrass myself, a girl can dream). Seriously though, I’m eternally grateful to each and every one of you. I never thought I would have so much support behind me directing another movie. I love You.

When it comes to production over the last month, the film is going well. The current edit is at 150 minutes as we have shot a little over a quarter of the story. I am very proud as I see the narrative beginning to take shape and our monthly rough cut showing proved that we have something really special on our hands. There really hasn’t been another movie like this before. I didn’t know how important this would feel, both for me on a personal level as I use my art to process the chaos in my life and in a broader context of what we’re approaching in this moment for trans cinema.

My friend and trans film critic Logan-Ashley Kisner recently wrote a phenomenal piece on what he referred to as Schrödinger’s Transsexual, which is the trend of celebrating trans people cast in roles that do not explicitly define them as transsexuals. I have commented before on how I do not like assimilationist tendencies in the undefined trans cinema canon and what I fear the future of representation holds and my movie feels like a very conscious response to this. Watching our first 150 minutes, there is nothing which I have sanded down. It’s messy, brutal, insular, and very very funny in a way that may be off-putting to anyone who isn’t transsexual. Honestly, I have a suspicion it will probably be disliked by most of them too. I need this movie to exist, but it scares me.

On a kinder note, the film’s cast of characters and their interpersonal connections are so endearing that I hope the film can operate as a sort of friendship simulator. The highest achievement to me would be to make a movie that can be a lonely trans girl’s comforting background noise. I can’t think of many narrative films that have extended scenes of trans women and men hanging out, going shopping, spending time at the beach, etc. In a way it’s a weird position because as much as I want to define a mode of trans storytelling that is contradictory if not outright hostile to the filmmaking status quo, then a movie where transsexuals exist normally against the backdrop of a hysterical melodrama seems like both the most obvious representative choice while also a new frontier. It’s hard to describe, as every scene and character and conversation in the film feels so normal to me but so abnormal for the cinematic apparatus. Shooting guerrilla style across Vancouver on a Hi8 handicam feels like translating a newly discovered language, even though production itself with our tiny crew feels like the easiest thing in the world.

Hopefully my choices pay off. And, if You don’t end up liking this movie it won’t be the first time I released something deeply personal to outright scorn. Just know that it will be a cult classic in ten years. I know you’re going to love it though. That’s why I love You.

Next week my skeleton crew and I are heading down to Los Angeles to film with my dear friends Vera Drew and Alice Maio Mackay. That would not have been possible without your support for this movie. Thank you so much, I owe you everything.

Much love, Lulu

Scenes Completed:

Part 1: 34/75

Part 2: 4/55